When adults tell me Internet Friends aren’t real friends I get sad.
This is so accurate it hurts.
They’ve finally figured out their real target demographic.
(Source: stilinskisexual, via chocolatechilipepper)
DO YOU HAVE COMPANY COMING OVER, BUT YOUR HOUSE SMELLS LIKE SMOKE OR YOUR MOLD EXPERIMENTS OR CAT PISS OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT?
WELL SLAP MY ASS AND CALL ME BRILLIANT, BECAUSE THIS SHIT ISN’T EDIBLE, BUT IT’LL MAKE YOUR HOUSE SMELL LIKE A GODDAMN CHURCH CHOIR SINGING HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH IN YOUR NASAL PASSAGE! (YOU SHOULD GET RID OF WHATEVER’S STINKING UP YOUR HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE AS WELL, MORON)
RUN YOUR CLASSY ASS OVER TO THE STORE AND MAKE SURE YOU’RE PREPARED FOR THE MIND-FUCK OF THIS SHIT. YOU’LL WANT 1 ORANGE, A SMALL BAG OF CRANBERRIES, 3 CINNAMON STICKS, GROUND CLOVES, NUTMEG, 2 LEMONS, ROSEMARY AND VANILLA.
THERE ARE TWO VERSIONS OF THIS THAT YOU CAN COOK, BECAUSE CLASSY-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS NEED VARIETIES IN THEIR LIFE!
THE FIRST IS ‘CHRISTMAS’ AND THE SECOND DOESN’T HAVE A DAMN NAME, BUT IT’S FUCKING WONDERFUL.
ONLY HAVE ONE POT OF THIS SHIT GOING, IT’S CRAZY POWERFUL.
CHOP UP THE ORANGE, SKIN AND ALL, BECAUSE YOU DON’T JOKE AROUND WITH THIS SORT OF SHIT.
USE YOUR WARRIOR STRENGTH TO BREAK THE CINNAMON STICKS IN HALF, LIKE YOUR CHILDHOOD MEMORIES OF SNAPPING THE FEMURS OF DRAGONS BEFORE YOU SUCKED THE MARROW OUT.
THROW THE ORANGE AND CINNAMON STICK PIECES INTO THE POT, OR IF YOU’RE NOT CONFIDENT WITH YOUR AIM, YOU CAN SET THEM GENTLY INSIDE. SHOVE A SMALL SPOONFUL OF NUTMEG AND A SMALL SPOONFUL OF CLOVES INTO THE POT.
THEN FILL THAT FUCKER UP WITH WATER UNTIL THERE’S ONLY AN INCH OF LEEWAY BETWEEN THE WATER AND EDGE, BECAUSE YOU’RE A DAREDEVIL MOTHERFUCKER.
NOW SET YOUR STOVE TO A LOW-MEDIUM SETTING, AND LEAVE IT SITTING THERE TO MARINATE IN IT’S OWN QUIET ACCEPTANCE OF DEATH. DON’T COVER THIS FUCKER, BECAUSE THE SMELL OF IT IS GOING TO INVADE YOUR ENTIRE GODDAMN HOUSE.
THAT WHICH WILL NOT BE NAMED
THE OTHER VERSION OF BOILING POTPOURRI ONLY HAS LEMONS, ROSEMARY SPRIGS AND VANILLA.
RIP THE LEMON INTO CHUNKS WHILE SOLVING THREE UNSOLVED MYSTERIES IN YOUR HEAD AND YELLING AT YOUR FLATMATE TO LEAVE YOUR OTHER EXPERIMENTS ALONE, THEN BE A CHAMPION BY NOT USING A MEASURING TOOL WHEN SPLASHING 1 TABLESPOON OF VANILLA INTO THE POT.
TOSS IN THE ROSEMARY SPRIGS AFTER YOU’VE STARED THEM INTO SUBMISSION.
FILL THAT SUCKER WITH WATER AND PUT IT ON THE HEAT.
YOU LEAVE IT ON FOR 2 HOURS AT THE START OF THE DAY, THEN TURN IT ON AGAIN AN HOUR BEFORE GUESTS GET TO YOUR HOME AND LEAVE IT ON ALL EVENING.
TAKE A WHIFF UP CLOSE EVERY FEW HOURS, BECAUSE THE FRUIT WILL START TO SMELL WEIRD AT THE END OF THE DAY AND THAT’S WHEN YOU TURN IT OFF.
WHEN YOUR GUESTS ARRIVE THEY’LL HAVE TO STEP BACK AND EXCLAIM “HOLY MOTHERFUCKING TITS, THIS IS ONE CLASSY HOME”
Not gonna lie, I’m mostly reblogging this because reading it is so thoroughly enjoyable.
I really love aggressive recipes
Wendy’s is doing the same thing.
Will wonders never cease.
Reblogging this because it keeps showing up on my dash and I keep not-quite raining on the parade, but it seems like everyone thinks this means something different than it does, so I guess I’ll rain on it a little bit.
I’m afraid this motion has nothing to do with conquering the gender binary or whatever Tumblr is really happy about to be reblogging it so heavily. It’s not about making little children feel like they can get whichever toy they prefer. It’d be nice if it was, but I’d be shocked if that was the case.
No, the girl toy here is a My Little Pony. Which means that the *real* reason for this notice is that a bunch of bronies, as there are bajillions of photos and videos of them doing, are coming into fast food restaurants and buying several happy meals. They threw pissy fits when asked if they wanted the “boy or girl” toy, insisting that My Little Pony isn’t for girls or whatever, again, only saying this because of overwhelming evidence that bronies do this shit. Management eventually has enough of it, asks employees to just ask if people want Skylanders or My Little Pony so they won’t have any more disgusted bronies getting mad that their precious fandom is targeted at crappy dumb little girls.
So the short version is: this little paper unfortunately means the exact opposite of what you think it means, socially speaking. It was put up because grown-ass men get all pissy when it’s suggested that they like a thing for girls.
Proof: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2014/04/editorial-how-to-buy-mcdonalds-ponies.html <— this was posted on the net’s biggest brony hive on April 10, 2014. So yeah, this is sadly not about anything else but how awful bronies are, sorry.
holy shit, I think someone actually reblogged it from me and added something like “I have the weird feeling that this was actually about bronies…”
I can’t remember who it was now but
here you go
you fucking nailed it
I need feminism because “Who hired a stripper” shouldn’t be the first thing said to me when I walk into a welding job.
women in trades are treated like such fucking shit.
NO I’M STILL STUCK ON THIS WHY WOULD ANYONE SAY THIS TO A WOMAN HOLDING A BLOWTORCH
The Snow Queen.
In an Alternate timeline, Elsa’s sister, Anna, did not survive the ice blast. A few years later, her parents were killed in a powerful storm.
The unfortunate events that transpired hardened her heart and made her hateful. She became a ruthless queen, enveloping her entire kingdom with endless snow.
Vivian Ng [tumblr | twitter | society6]
that would make the funniest fucking story ever. Due to a mix up at the factory, the template for incantations that was supposed to a publishing company of dark art books is sent to a feminine products factory. Girl then accidentally summons Satan with period blood. Satan gets confused because its “dead blood” and when he shows up he realizes the sacrifice was done incorrectly so he cannot take the girl’s soul but now is bound to do her bidding because oops his bad, he showed up anyway.